call me kitty and i'll kick your bad knee
It's happened again. Different "you" than two years ago because that one bmdh, but the feeling came on just as steong, though up much quicker this time.
Blindsided, I was. You did me in with just one evening's time. Loved you in a general sense for years, but fell in love with you over Loreena.
And when I finally am able to log in here, that's when you decide to write back. You playing with the ring when you received the emails? Yeah, same feeling here.
Gods dammit. I'll keep you as my off-limits not-gay-but-gay best friend as long as I can, and every time you see me you'll fall a little bit more. You're not ready yet, by any means, so you'll be a bit surprised when you realize you feel the same way. Just saying.
Heed the water's warning lest you drown in me, and I'll be waiting under the waves for you.
Cast your eyes to the ocean
Case your soul to the sea
When the dark might seems endless
Please remember me
Tue, Aug. 27th, 2013, 04:41 am
Chapter # Next
Even though it's written elsewhere, it should be mentioned that you disappeared for a reason completely unrelated to me. Now that "why?!?" has been answered, this brain has been much more at ease.
It hasn't even been a week since we saw each other last, and already it feels like a month or more. You suggested I come back again toward the end of September, and I'm trying really hard to not count the days.
Good gods above and below, I've fallen for you. I love you, and can't tell you yet. Shouldn't. I know this. This love felt for you could be a complete figment of my imagination, concocted in loneliness and fed by an overactive imagination. Could be, but that wouldn't really explain why my heart feels like it'll burst out of my chest simply being around you. Dammit.
There has been no other person whom I both want to hold and punch (for making me want to hold you) both at the same time. You're irritatingly maddening, and you have no idea how much. Something else I can't tell you yet, because it's not time yet. (Also maddening.)
Ybmh without knowing it, so you've been forgiven. Do it with intent, however, and you'll never forgive yourself when it's all said and done.
Your answer was the only one I didn't expect. You felt the same way, but you're still working through things, and More Than Friends isn't something you think you can do right now.
Fine. I've waited all this time, I can keep waiting. No worries.
Then you disappeared. Rather then pester you (because I feel it would be pestering), I've waited for you to write back since the conversational ball has been in your court. Except for Tuesday night, while out having drinks with my sister. "I've been drinking so this may not be a good idea, though it seems like a great one now. I don't expect a reply because you're so busy. I miss you so hard, and still can't stop thinking about you." That's all I said. There was no passive-aggressive emphasis on the "so busy" part.
I still haven't heard from you, and it's been a week as of yesterday. Gave up on you Thursday, accepted defeat, and was just sad.
Then you invaded my dreams last night, along on every adventure, gladly holding tight and not letting me go till I took you home for the night. I was on cloud nine. When I saw you the next day, still in the dream, you refused to look at me. I had to get up in your face and demand to know why you couldn't meet my eyes, what had changed, why were you angry at me when I hadn't seen you or done anything in those few sleeping hours. With eyes shot red with hurt and anger, you explained. For the life of me, I can't remember what you said, but it turned out to have been a misunderstanding, and I answered the questions you had. With relief radiating off you, we hugged and all was well, There the dream ended. Now I'm sad again.
I suppose it's a good thing I never got to request the whole pdbmh thing, because (like most people) you'd have said "of course not" or some such. No reason to stack miseries.
Mon, Jul. 22nd, 2013, 12:47 am
This tightness in my chest is the same that held me last Sunday night when you left, taking awhile for my breathing to settle down. I still haven't read your message, needed to get more smokes to read your answer, whatever it may be.
Well, I put it out there: What are your thoughts on us being More Than Just Friends. I told you that you struck more than a few chords within me. I asked if this is one-sided to please let me know, no harm, no foul, mentioning that I could fall for you way too easily. What I didn't say is that the cliff is singing its siren song and already I'm leaning over the edge, holding the safety rope against my will.
Pikachu just sounded, so you wrote back. Is it a good or a bad thing that it took about ten minutes? I can't check it yet, unwilling to disturb this odd bit of calm... but just in case we're in accord, I'm dying to know what your thoughts are.
If we're eye to eye, I'll be yours forever, will fight for you, will vanish inside your kiss only to come out the other side a creature of pure joy.
If we're not, I'll more than likely cry like a little girl and get drunk. I can only hope you were polite about it and somehow knew my silent request:
Wed, Jul. 17th, 2013, 06:03 am
The last guy I dated was amazing, and I thought he couldn't have been more ideal if I had scripted him myself. Then time took over and it simply wasn't meant to be. No hard feelings from either end.
I realized a day after we broke up that I didn't miss *him* nearly as much as I missed what he had represented: someone who truly loved me, was willing to admit it early on so I could as well, sought my happiness as much as I sought his. After 4 months it crumbled rather quickly because our lives were heading in opposite directions, which made him angry, and I was crushed. Thankfully the above-stated realization hit quickly, and I found peace of a sort. I know the giddiness fades after you've been with someone long enough, but I know that when you find the right person it doesn't fade that much, and takes a long time to do so. I have a tendancy to like others well past when I should, not believing that it can possibly be over so soon. I'm an amazing person, and I know it... Why don't others see it, too? Poor choices in my people selection, I guess.
My point is this: now that you're officially here, if you were not in my life, I would suffer and miss *you*. Not getting to see YOUR stupid, beautiful face, not hearing your occasional snorts as something proved to be so funny that the laugh took on a life of its own, not getting to smell you, hear the absolute wonder in your voice as you talk about anything space-related, listen to you plan your next video, see the emotions crawl across your face as you talk about the dogs... All if that would be sorely missed. And for the record, I'd miss *your* hugs and kisses, too.
Wed, Jul. 17th, 2013, 05:30 am
Back awake, hopefully not for long, though. You're keeping me up through no fault of your own, beyond being what and who you are. It's the miasma of uncertainty looming about that's doing this, specifically. In those first few days we were on the same page, both given in to the creamy chemical highs of realizing this long-time thing we both seem to have been harbouring. Spending that little bit of time with you during the days followed by hours of conversations at night was the most joyous time I've had the pleasure of calling mine in ages. Now I'm back home, only a few hours away, and it feels like I'm on another planet, tucked beyond a time warp. I fully understand that no matter what, Time and Life continue. Work still needs worked, sleep demands being slept, etc. We even talked about the fact that you get busy and don't always remember to follow up with your personal life in a timely manner. I accept this, and also know I have loads more free time than you do. This only means I'll go quietly insane waiting for you to write back, rather than demand attention like the diva I'm not. Don't ever think I'm not thinking about you... Even the small yappy dogs that just ran past evoked you because of your chihuahuas. Sitting on the stairs outside, the North Star winking beyond my right shoulder (as it has for the past year I've lived here) now only hearkens to you, because that's where it was when you admitted back to having had a thing for me all this time... I'm trying so hard not to forget everything that isn't you, which proves to be more challenging than imagined.
I know Life goes on, busy happens, and it's way too early on (considering) for me to rightfully request any answers from you, but that doesn't mean I'm not half wild to know whether or not you think of me as much as I think of you. I hold back my endless conversations rather than submitting you to an endless barage of texts, waiting for you to write back, because you'll do so when you can. That's understood, and not held against you. In my head, however, you are someone I would make time for. I recognize that we're not the same person, which is why I'm not being needy all over you about it. You don't know this journal exists, no one does anymore, and it's a safe place to get all the squishy girl feels out of the way so I can operate as a functioning human. An exhibitionist diary, almost, in that I get to leak my estrogen all over the page, knowing you won't see how I truly feel (that way that sends most males rolling their eyes and heading for the hills)... My thoughts unknown to you, but none too worried about folks who don't know me, only reading this due to a random web search. Part of me is fairly sure you'd appreciate the love-story-in-the-making aspect, based on our conversations, but it's way too soon to dump all this on you. Besides, you're not much of a reader, so this is even more safely hidden for now. Part of me tingles at the thought of you happening upon this page because you couldn't get me out of your head and ran the correct Google search to lead you here, but that's the idealistic romantic talking.
Once upon a time, I waited, a starry-eyed girl looking for my lobster, unafraid of telling those I adored how I felt. After being met with much and continued derision, I emotionally beat it out of myself because it just leads to pain and confusion. A few years back, it occurred that writing can be a wonderful outlet for those feels I'd stopped letting myself feel, so I dabbled. Lo and behold, that starry-eyed girl still existed somewhere off left-stage. The girl who waited. Waited for her time to speak about how the only thing in life she's ever wanted was to simply be loved forever and ever. Phantom and Moulin Rouge are two of your favourite stories, they've always been mine, too (who can honestly resist such gorgeous love stories?!?) but because you said it first, adding a "me too!!" would have sounded contrived. Maybe it wouldn't have. That I question this shows there are still emotional cracks which may be fragile things running to the core, or something simply marring the surface. Either way, I don't poke at them... the starry-eyed girl isn't allowed to roam too far.
I'd like to hope that I haven't already become just another of your female friends. If it has happened, please don't be too long in letting me in on the secret.
You left almost an hour ago, and my breathing has finally started resuming its normal patterns. Just being around you wore me out and so here it is, 4am, and I'm actually tired!
A number of times found me about to make a request, but I'm afraid of asking. Saying it aloud breathes life into the request, and makes both desired result and scary result equally possible. It's borderline terrifying.
Please don't break my heart.
So many things running through the head, all vying for space and equal front-of-the-brain time.
Fifteen years of wondering, knowing you were in the background, hoping you were ok, thinking you too far away to be a possibility... gives a girl time to think.
Tears trickle out of this intense happy, this self-beratement, a newly-hatched hope born of one comatose yet sentient all these years, I found myself unaware of whether this whisper of possibility is incubating or if it gave up the ghost long ago and is simply a lingering husk. When Schrödinger's Box was finally breached, did I see the same wonderful thing you did? (I believe so.) To me, this was an incubation, keeping that small fluttering wisp of potential in a time-nicked stasis, slowly evolving where the days bled out. Self-beratement because I'm fully aware of how seductively quick The Fall can come. After all this time of the waters building behind the levy, why fully open them? Berate. The reservoir has grown by a steady trickle these long years, never requiring maintenance beyond a hinge-oiling "hello" sent along the fibre optics to stave off rust... a force such as this demands a mile for each inch given, and I'm proving to be as useful as chicken wire against it. Berate. Don't let it happen that quickly. Berate. You're a stronger person than that, why such a wimp all of the sudden? Berate. You're weak, you'll get hurt, stay safe on land, deny yourself to stay whole. Counterpoint: you and I discussed our dryadic tendencies, we two are creatures of water. Why fight it?
This type of miserable joy has never been visited on me before, so I have nothing to compare it to. A summer's day, perhaps? Apt, with the weather being how it has, lately: over 100 degrees and rather face-melting, yet filled to overflowing with the energy and light emanating from you. Sure, going from a water analogy to heat analogy means we'll end up as a vapour analogy, but we'll leave that metaphor to another time.
After a few hours writing this and talking with you, enough mental pressure has been vented, and the thought processes have established close-enough to routine patterns. We now return you to your regularly scheduled bubbly giddiness.
Sat, Dec. 6th, 2008, 11:28 am
no more kritty'n'tim, and yes it's for the best. Why did you soccer hooligans let me stay complacent for so long?? THREE YEARS, people.
Kippydog is still around, though gettin her ass handed to her by some young upstart of the roomate's dog. poor kippytail. :/
another season of TRF has come and gone... huzzah?
yet another new cell phone. ye gods, for being expensive, these things have NO real uptime.
see the myspace post for the other details.